Yesterday I got to watch a perfect heartbeat of one tiny embryo. I am so grateful. Still fearful but there’s hope. And one little Pumpkin survived transfer and has a beating heart.
The year of 2011 seems to begin and end in the same way. Defrost went well, and cutting the 2ww a little short – there is life within! I am once again pregnant. This is in true a very merry Christmas.
Going back into attempts. If it works out and the embryo’s defrost alright and survive I’m going to meet them for the first time Thursday afternoon (or early morning CST). And then the agonizing wait for two weeks until I know if I’m pregnant. And hopefully a worrysome pregnancy til I can bring him/her/them home in September 2012, a year after Aleksas was supposed to be born.
I’m beginning my travel south tomorrow afternoon via a few hours sleep in Malmo and will be arriving in Warsaw Thursday morning. And then I’m scheduled back home Saturday afternoon and off to a lunch with fellow strugglers on Sunday. Stressful. Hopeful. Terrifying. Longed for.
I’m on pause. I didn’t plan it; but the air went out of me, my money ran short and the freezer was empty of embryo’s. Like a balloon caving in on itself leaving a little piece of brightly colored rubber in a corner. But I kind of like that color so slowly I’m getting myself back in there.
I’m somewhat stronger, somewhat happier… I’m still kind of broke but I have every piece of it in order and know how to finance two more attempts without putting myself and a potential baby at risk. But the freezer is still empty. So I wait. I was scared of the cycle coming up in December, fearing a shadowpregnancy of the one I lost. Wanting to go again in October, then November and now that too seems to be lost to the waiting-game. And sure enough – then December and the cycle 12 months after Aleksas is coming. The one where a pregnancy would not only follow it’s own but the months would shift as they did during his. It scares me… I could postpond… But really… I’ve waited so freaking long. Perhaps it could be healing. IF there’s embryo’s in December *deep sigh*
… or at least have an inkling. Also, my early detection HPK should be positive. So I guess I DO know. Kind of… Not a hundred percent but ninety… And I’m so tired and upset and sad. And it’s been a crazy couple of weeks. Tons of work. Holding a lecture in social law at the university, travelling, trying to maintain the SMBCs board… I’m beat. I just want it to stop. Like I hit a wall I just didn’t see coming. Like I lost hope and energy and just keep going on some level because I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how to explain to anyone that that enough-place was hit and I need to be alone. To be left alone. Right now the roomie-decision seems so so bad. I just want to be alone. And I’m never alone. Just hoping she’ll be at her boyfriend’s this weekend and I can at least get 48 hours of solitude. It feels like I’m broken. Probably beyond what 48 hours can fix, but I take what I can get…
It seems to be starting early, this second week of waiting. Mental week of waiting. The first is usually a somewhat easy deal as it contains travelling and the days of knowing the embryos can not have landed yet, and therefor no signs can tell of their arrival. Second week is pure terror. So much effort, emotion and money invested into those tiny 30% of chance. It’s only 5 days past transfer (we call this period that we incubate – but have a specialist word used for hens that we use) and in my mind this seems to be week 2.
I’m ill. Which means sign-searching is very hard. Are the teenagelike pimpled face and chest a sign of pregnancy (first and only sign with Aleksas) or of a body beeing sick? The headache must be a sign of my cold – or?? And the fact that I woke up starving at 4 AM could quite possibly have something to do with eating poorly yesterday… I would so much like a sneakpeak of what to expect 9 days from now. But I can’t. Just 9 days. And a lifetime of change. Or nothing at all… Oh, the terror…
It’s been a couple of hectic days… But they are in there – Jussi and the Comet. They looked good, but not perfect. And by that, my chance of falling pregnant fell from 35% to 30%. But I have hope. They are there.
I’m ill. Running a temperature and a terrible cough is creeping up on me. Since I’m taking 15mg Prednisone every day I don’t have much hope for fighting it any time soon. It’s really a catch 22… As cmv was part of Aleksas death, I am overly scared of germs and this cold in particular. But not until I took immune supressing medicine last cycle – I actually concieved. And with it my immune system does not work at all. All I can do is try to avoid infection, but I guess I failed while flying. And no flight no babies. So I’m looking forward to a couple of weeks of having a cold, hoping it’s “just a cold”. And in 4 weeks I’ll be off the Prednisone…